Love is a dangerous pastime...."in" love...

Hey im not here to say oh Im in love with my boyfriend blah blah blah(im nowhere near "in" love yet) ...and yes i realized i already wrote an entry on love but this one is different... after a chance meeting of someone old and then something i didn't expect from someone else got me thinking about what i think it means to be "in" love.
Well in my naive mind i like to think i have been in love twice...and yes i do mean "in" love. The first boy i completely gave my heart to was so much different than how he is now and honestly i still care so much for that kid it rediculous. i feel dumb telling about it now cause i sound so stupid haha! It was the summer before my junior year of high school when we were together. It had to be kept under wraps cause i knew my family wouldn't like him. We were officially together for a short time but he is the only boy that i have trully fallen head over heels for in that quick of a time. but our little dance we did lasted beyond my junior year and recently it kinda spilled into now. he was the first boy i told i will always love you...and i meant it...and quite honestly to this day i can say i still love him...after all the shit he has put me through i still love this foo! haha... well now the second time....damn high school i swear...we were together for almost two years. He had my heart and even if he doesn't believe it i am still in love with him. I still miss him...albeit him and i going our seperate ways is farely recent (probably about 4 or 5 or 6 months lol) but none the less ...

He was the one... more so than the first one...when i saw him i was able to see my whole future...i was able to see how we would be together when we were old. He was my everything (well God was still number one but you get it lol). well i still cry about how my own laziness made me lose him. he was everything i wanted and more. ha! to this day i still get butterflies and feel like i just ran ten miles when i see him. I talked to him today and it felt so good like old times like things were like how they used to be...but they weren't and he wasn't mine. I think this realization hurts the most. He was the second person for me to say I will always love you....and for me that is a biiiiiggggg thing for me to say especially since i don't believe in love being forever or i hate saying it. I loved this boy whith all my heart i would do anything for him ...and i honestly would do anything to have him one more time....i have never loved anyone as much as i loved him...and you know they say absence makes the heart grow fonder....well, i miss him...i really do....don't get me wrong its not like i can't love another....i love my boyfriend now but im not in love with him and we are ok with this....
which brings me to where i am in my life now...i am with a great guy now i love him but we are not in love...and for now that is great...im not ready to give my heart out to anyone like i have in the past right now...and honestly i still don't have all my heart back ....but yea...idk ...its going to be quite awhile before i can love someone as much as i loved the second one or as i reflect more and more the first one...these two gave me insight and a glimpse of the wonderful power of love... i still miss the second one a lot and think of the first one but i guess its a part of life... God is always there and i know He is looking out for me...

ok 'nough of the serious stuff =_=

so for a couple of years now i have been on this lil 'shroom and clouds and shizz phase annnd so yea i was bored in class one day and drew this master piece teehee... i thought it was adorable. i was telling one of the kids at work this and one kid had an idea to make a 'shroom raining clouds haha so i thought this would be an excellent challenge xD





so yea i drew a 'shroom raining clouds lol ....oh the things that pop into my mind lol. I am quite entertained by the things i come up with and hey maybe i should start drawing little things and then $ell them?? :D i think so soooo if you want something adorable drawn or like a 'shroom or something let me know i will make it for you [= (for a lil fee teehee)

family

haha! one concept i find the most hilarious is the concept of a family. i think it might be safe to say i don't really believe in families anymore. like when we are kids we are fed these lies that family will always be there and that your family will always care or whatever and im sorry but in my own family i have learned that parents love is CONDITIONAL, sibling love is when convenient, just what the fuck am i supposed to believe. i have two "brothers" and i hardly see them (if ever) and im pretty sure they don't ever think of us. i hardly even call them relatives i mean my niece and nephew call my parents by their first names instead of grandpa and grandma and they call me and my sister by our names instead of auntie or whatever. i just don't see how any of it works or why people feel like they need to start new families when the current ones they have don't even work. like the more and more i see im more and more debating if i should even get married just so i can be the end of my family trait lol. but whatever....

S-T-R-E-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S

so as always when things look up for me they tend to come down rather hard. Things aren't as down as they usually go yet but things are getting pretty stressful. So i realized that there is about a week or two before the quarter ends and i feel like im not doing as well as i should in most of my classes (yes yes that is my fault entirely but still it is a cause of stress). We are all feeling pretty stressed at home and as always this kinda makes things kinda tense. My mother now has bell's palsy so that is one more thing we have to worry about, i was asked to resign from my job due to my class schedule, i have a ton of work i need to do for my classes. i need to do a drastic overhaul on my room because as always another aspect of my life not up to par for my parents standards. then in the midst of all this i keep hearing the last things my ex said over and over again. and this simple fact is starting to really fuck with my mind. then the current love interest has some medical problems with a stomach and or pancreas that hates him who is having tests done on monday so maybe the doctors will finally have some answers for him...and as we speak right now he is having a root canal.. ouch babe!... but yea i tend to be a procrastinating perfectionist to some extent which doesn't make sense but yea. i constantly feel the need to please everyone and be the perfect friend and when i let people down i take it a lot harder than i should so this whole job thing is starting to get to me. i mean i really got attached the the kids at work and im going to miss them tremendously but yet there is nothing i can do just one of those things. so with all the things sprinting in my mind at the moment i find myself to be falling in a lil depression and im starting to feel so lost and lonely. i don't exactly know it has to do specifically with my stress or just a varying myriad of emotions. which oddly happens from time to time... i will get these random periods of depression and they usually last for a bit but then eventually they go away ...haha i think that is a disorder but oh wellz i think it would be to much to expect of my parents to even acknowledge my feelings so nothing i can really do about that. i just want to see my light at the end of the tunnel...i just want to be rescued...i just want to stop feeling that im constantly disappointing people.... it is almost a constant fear that in some aspects is taking over... Please God deliver me from evil and help me rise up out of this feeling of loneliness and wondering i have been feeling....

love love love

so we have all been there, when you find someone and you fall completely head over heals with someone...i have been there..sadly twice...and each time i thought the person was going to make everything better, but both times i was wrong. so it taught me something...we can't rely on anyone to be there all the time. i still love the two people who i told those kiss of death words "i'll always love you". ..which reminds me i hate it when people say those four words (well three words and a contraction lol). I just find it to be insincere and i barely believe in the concept of anything in the human realm being forever. I find myself being more and more cynical as time goes on. I mean i want to be able to show emotion and let myself trully get connected with someone but i also feel who ever will get me in the future and even now will not have the whole me to work with because some parts of me will have been given away a long time ago. and this makes me feel bad especially for the current bf..i mean i got with him shortly after my last break up like a couple of month(s) after i got out of a long term with my last ex. i feel very comfortable with this current suiter but i already caught myself worring about stuff that happened in the last relationship. sometimes i wonder if love is really worth it and if i am even destined to find this elusive ideal of maybe getting marriedand having a family? i am not sure...and im not even sure if this really bothers me....but i am still young and well things always have their way of figuring themselves out...

a little poem[more to come]

you and i were best friends
we had so much in common
i thought that we would be for ever and a day
then slowly you turn from my friend to some monster i barely knew
i wonder what caused this
i wonder what went wrong
i tried to find find you in the sea of fish
but you swam faster, faster, and faster
i couldn't catch you although i tried
i couldn't follow because you were never mine

introduction <3

so im pretty new to all this blogging stuff but be forwarned im mostly going to use this for my little rants and musings, well duh but just thought i should warn you lol. well to start off i will probably talk about anything from politics to what is pissing me off at that very moment to my family to what i did during my day. i really won't care how many spelling errors i will make because i can't spell and it really doesn't bother me lol but yea right now i don't have anything to rant about but don't worry i will soon. talk to ya later stay safe!