Artsy Artsy Artsy

So for my creative stuff I am putting it on another blog on wordpress find me there and this one will be for my kinda rants hahaha .. see you there lovelies!

Get thos creative juices flowing

sooo i think i am going to start writing and drawing again.. the reason why i have come to this conclusion is i actually and genuinly miss it. i used to write all the time but i feel like i kinda lost the spark for a couple of years. I think it is time for me to start up again and i think it will be fun. Who knows what can come of this endeavor but hopefully good things...oh and i found some old drawings i did in high school here they are....

this was an impressionist water color for art class

this is the side of my old high school ....it looks better in person i think lol

questions questions running through my mind

Why I haven't registered to vote...

So I am in the point in my life where I am transitioning from the point where I would blindly follow the words of my parents as the absolute truth and where I think for myself. I am finding the more and more i research the political parties I am much more disheartened and discouraged. There are so many lies and so much corruption on both sides it almost seems to me to ask the question "what's the point? will this really make any difference?" I look at one political party and see the things wrong with it, whether it be the ignorance on excepting a certain group of people or whether it be the pompus attitude of having the "look at me aaren't i soo0o0o0 accepting". To me it all seems like such a big lie. I think I am probably leaning more towards being slightly liberal in thinking but then there are a lot of things I find wrong with that side of the political spectrum. Every time I try looking towards the right I see that even though many of their arguments are from the heart and they do mean well, they don't have that much weight to them. All in all I kinda think the whole voting process is kinda flawed. I mean we have systems in place to make the vote for us when the "people get it wrong". So really we still have no say on how the government is to be run. As much as it annoyed me how much people were like Bush wasn't supposed to be president...it was true ...he lost the general election he didn't win the first one Gore did and the electorate college pretty much said the American people didn't know what we were talking about and made Bush the president. So yea I know you might call me one of those horrible haters or whatever but no it is disheartening we are just lulled into a false sense of responsibility...where in fact we are spoon fed ideals and lies in which to believe...this is probably why i haven't registered to vote...probably might take me quite some time to bring myself to do so ...even then i would probably check the box that states "decline to state" ....when the day comes where i do not ask myself if this is all worth it to be fed the lies from the government maybe i will be more direct with declaring something until then...i'd rather not vote....




UPDATE: I REGISTERED TO VOTE RECENTLY AND I REGISTERED AS DECLINE TO STATE.... sooo still couldn't think of a side to go to sooo not even registered as an independent haha

first blog of the new year!

So hello everyone I am kinda behind so far but yea...first blog of 2010. Im kinda thinking about putting up a paypal to get lunch money from generous donors since i lost my job. But i might put up lil vids also to keep you all entertained kinda my way of being a monkey dancing for my money haha. and as always if you guys want me to draw you something i will try to draw something lol. but yea life...i think im at an ok place with my relationship finally of course everyone tells me that im so pretty why settle for someone or why can't i find someone on my own level, whatever that means...im sorry i thought the point was to make me happy not them...and i get one thing fixed and someone else decides to give me a headache.... but i guess that's life kinda happens when i put my problems on people i know it could have nothing to do with anything just bad timing on our parts....thing that gets me though they said it was me who was acting different and distant cause we weren't talking....um excuse me i tried talking but "you" were always busy so can't really say it's my fault and even when i tried talking today kinda like same MO being like oh well gotta study bye....idk they are worried that i don't trust them (actually him) but i guess in a way he might be right. but whatever. let's see how this one pans out hahaha

Im a Lonely Girl, I'll tell a Tale for you....

I don't know what it is. I have been feeling so alone lately...like almost to the point where certain bad habits are starting to seem like a good idea. I feel like everything is slowly falling into complete oblivion and I can't stop it. I feel numb like I have just been going through the motions for a while now. I don't know what it is... gosh I haven't been this depressed since junior year of high school. fuck. i don't even know who to turn to. Yes yes yes people say turn to God but you know i do that but i want something more than me just yelling in my head a prayer. i want someone that i can actually talk to, someone that can be there for me for more than a couple hours someone that can just hold me and make me feel like my world isn't crashing in on me. i put on a brave front when im with friends cause i don't want them seeing how once again i have let myself die inside...im so tired of feeling so alone ...now my mom is in the hospital for the next couple of days...its like really? now this is getting thrown on us...i can't sleep and haven't been able to its taking its toll on me cause i keep feeling worse on account of the lack of sleep and i go back to school on monday... at least i don't have to worry about work i can focus on school and trying to make myself better by myself as usual....

Love is a dangerous pastime...."in" love...

Hey im not here to say oh Im in love with my boyfriend blah blah blah(im nowhere near "in" love yet) ...and yes i realized i already wrote an entry on love but this one is different... after a chance meeting of someone old and then something i didn't expect from someone else got me thinking about what i think it means to be "in" love.
Well in my naive mind i like to think i have been in love twice...and yes i do mean "in" love. The first boy i completely gave my heart to was so much different than how he is now and honestly i still care so much for that kid it rediculous. i feel dumb telling about it now cause i sound so stupid haha! It was the summer before my junior year of high school when we were together. It had to be kept under wraps cause i knew my family wouldn't like him. We were officially together for a short time but he is the only boy that i have trully fallen head over heels for in that quick of a time. but our little dance we did lasted beyond my junior year and recently it kinda spilled into now. he was the first boy i told i will always love you...and i meant it...and quite honestly to this day i can say i still love him...after all the shit he has put me through i still love this foo! haha... well now the second time....damn high school i swear...we were together for almost two years. He had my heart and even if he doesn't believe it i am still in love with him. I still miss him...albeit him and i going our seperate ways is farely recent (probably about 4 or 5 or 6 months lol) but none the less ...

He was the one... more so than the first one...when i saw him i was able to see my whole future...i was able to see how we would be together when we were old. He was my everything (well God was still number one but you get it lol). well i still cry about how my own laziness made me lose him. he was everything i wanted and more. ha! to this day i still get butterflies and feel like i just ran ten miles when i see him. I talked to him today and it felt so good like old times like things were like how they used to be...but they weren't and he wasn't mine. I think this realization hurts the most. He was the second person for me to say I will always love you....and for me that is a biiiiiggggg thing for me to say especially since i don't believe in love being forever or i hate saying it. I loved this boy whith all my heart i would do anything for him ...and i honestly would do anything to have him one more time....i have never loved anyone as much as i loved him...and you know they say absence makes the heart grow fonder....well, i miss him...i really do....don't get me wrong its not like i can't love another....i love my boyfriend now but im not in love with him and we are ok with this....
which brings me to where i am in my life now...i am with a great guy now i love him but we are not in love...and for now that is great...im not ready to give my heart out to anyone like i have in the past right now...and honestly i still don't have all my heart back ....but yea...idk ...its going to be quite awhile before i can love someone as much as i loved the second one or as i reflect more and more the first one...these two gave me insight and a glimpse of the wonderful power of love... i still miss the second one a lot and think of the first one but i guess its a part of life... God is always there and i know He is looking out for me...